I thought I would start off the blog by telling you about a monumental time in my life.
About Lan
I was asked to write this blog several years ago and we never got it onto the Calm Campaign website. Going through this has shaped me and my mindset when it comes to life and movement, hence my decision to run these classes. It could then not be more fitting to start our blog off with it.
Funny I should end up at the cinema today. That matters, not only because today would have been Lan’s 30th birthday, but also because we were watching Inside Out. I cried and cried whilst sitting next to my four year old nephew, him being the reason I made the impromptu mid-week trip to the movies; and it was listening to Nina Simone’s “Here Comes The Sun” on the drive home, that reassured me today was the best possible day to write this.
If you haven’t seen Inside Out, you should. That goes to everyone, not just those who knew Lan. Inside Out is a film about emotions, a story about how daunting it was for a young girl, Riley, when her parents made the decision to move cities and change her lifestyle entirely. They moved to an unknown city,where her house shrunk, school was unknown and friends were unidentified. Come to think of it, a little like my family’s immigration from Colombia, when I too, was eleven. Her story is told from her personified emotions, Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness. Unfortunately for Riley and incredibly familiar to me, she felt homesick, alone and confused. She spiralled into a dark place where Joy and Sadness were lost, and Anger, Fear and Disgust took over Riley’s actions. Without wanting to spoil the ending for those who haven’t seen it, I will say only that Riley was on a road to depression. Again, an illness (not an emotion), I personally know only too well.
It was depression which took Lan from us. I say took because that’s what happened. An illness stole him from us; typing this seems to make it a little easier to digest, but maybe I am just fooling myself. It is what it is, he is gone. We will never hear him sing again (a personal favourite), particularly those harmonisations with John. We won’t hear him laugh, see him smile, we won’t hug him, I won’t marry him. We had a Friends like pack, where, if we were both unmarried by the age of thirty-five, we would marry each other. Honestly thought that would happen one day.
If only we’d known. If only any of us had known. Any one of his hundreds of friends, family, colleagues, fellow musicians… If only he’d known what a shining star he really was. Depression is such a vermin. Go away, get lost!
It was after I graduated from University that it hit me. I’ve now heard that it is actually quite common for graduates to fall into this train of thought, though honestly not surprised with the education system’s failure in preparing students for the reality of entering employment in your chosen industry. Just like our Lan. Even someone as ridiculously talented as Lan struggled, for years. I was lucky, blessed even, because had it not been for my good friend, I’m not sure I would still be here.
We then lived in a fourth floor flat, I thought the easiest way about it would be to launch myself off our bedroom balcony; then if I changed my mind mid-air, I could always try and squirrel my way onto the tall pine tree that lived next to the balcony. I never did, of course; my mum would be too mad, also the tree looked quite far. Trust me, you do NOT want to see her mad. Saying that, Lan had more guts than perhaps he felt he did, I know we were all terrified of his mum growing up. Those Filipino mums! She and Marilyn ensured we were on our best behaviour at any encounter in years past.
My friend saw what I was going through, crying myself to sleep, saying I hated myself, the reasons for which I won’t go into but it was he, who made me realise that I was not living, what I thought, was a normal life; “but everyone lives like this, no-one is happy”. He was there for me in a way no-one had been before. It was his Buddhist background and literature which helped me find my Joy. He was the one that told me that what I was feeling was not ok. I looked into it and after reading about depression, and realising it was describing me in more ways than I liked, I reluctantly went to the GP. Weeks of therapy, hours of meditation practice, hours at the gym, countless lengths in the pool and finally finding MY creative flair, dance, I started to live again.
The catch twenty-two feeling of helplessness, self-doubt and loneliness depression drives you to, is unfathomable to those who haven’t lived it. The feeling of worthlessness is a tough one to shift and it tears me to pieces to realise that perhaps I could have lent a helping hand. I suspect many of us feel this way.
Life after depression is strangely exhilarating. After an abundance of practice, I feel like I can really deal with my feelings, and anything else life decides to throw at me. It’s weird, some of the physical reactions I used to dread during depression: sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach, accelerated heartbeat, I actually love now. Having come to the realisation that that is all these are, reactions to temporary emotions, I feel equipped to comb through them whenever they come back. Because they do, that’s the thing with emotions, they reoccur, no matter how much you have disliked or fought them in the past! I am now at a point in my life where any time I feel strongly about ANYTHING, it excites me. Because I feel life. I feel anger, sadness, jealousy, disgust, sadness, joy…
Life is like the ocean, look at it closely and you will see giant waves of emotions: Turmoil! Remove the telescope,look at the bigger picture and almost nothing matters. We are born, we meet people who we like, befriend, fall in love with, detest, annoy, forget and then? And then we die. We are on a journey, we start somewhere but then we end. That is life. Every single second of this, every emotion, regardless of how weak or strong, is life. And I am going to enjoy the heck out of it, depression can get lost!
I find that sometimes saying things twice also helps emphasise ideas; I am going to enjoy the heck out of it. For me but also for Lan. For he couldn’t, so I will just have to for the both of us.
It was Lan’s choice to say goodbye, but it is entirely up to us to take away something from what little time he spent with us, for he couldn’t. It is for this reason, in addition to the aforementioned that I live my life enjoying every single moment I can. Arguments, frustrations, mockery, silence, exercise, friendships, turbulence, chit chat, sing-a-longs, “Whispers”, dance!! The Sun. LOVE life!
One day I found myself on the High Street and remembering Lan worked in one of the sports shops there, I popped in on the off chance I’d find him there. Whilst we were having a little chit chat I heard Nina Simone’s “Here Comes The Sun” on the store’s radio and not remembering what her name was, I asked Lan, knowing he’d know. Nina Simone, though manic, also a depressed soul…
Lan may not have found his Joy but perhaps he’s found his Sun, may it be forever so.
I love you Lan, always have, and always will. I’m sorry.
Susana
See links below if you or someone you know are struggling with your mental health:
- https://www.thecalmzone.net/
- https://www.mandown-cornwall.co.uk/
- https://www.mind.org.uk/
- https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/
